"The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones."
- William Faulkner
If there's anything that my closest of friends would tell me is that at times, I do over think things. Its said that sometimes things come easier if you don't ponder down something to the point of it being beat down to a meaty pulp embedded in the pavement. But like the wolf said to the sheep, sorry, it's just in my nature.
I've been trying to wrestle internally with my own self for the past few years now, and sometimes it gets the better of me and sometimes I best my own thoughts. However, what always seems to come up in any argument or thought process with myself or with having conversations with others is that I have a inherit lack of motivation to do, well, anything. Beforehand, i was questioning "how" to get motivated to do things. then I figured out that it may be more beneficial to ditch that tactic and instead, try to wrap my head around "why" I can't seem to get motivated. If that can get figured out, then there may be a serendipitous route around the dilemma. Where to start with that process, i honestly don't know.
Is it due to my past? Is it due to how I was raised? I know that I am a type B personality, that is unquestionable. Then again, I do know some people with similar traits of mine that are a lot more driven to accomplish things in life.
So what is the prevention cause? I currently know people who are gung-ho about attacking the corporate daily workload, who have on a whim decided to attempt to ride a bike from San Diego to Phoenix, who are currently in the process of trying to relocate their job and life to Hawaii, who can wake up daily and workout along with a full workday, who tirelessly gets to work and deals with special needs kids.
Its compelling...the ability that they have to do what they do. It also makes me a tinge jealous. I've heard all the opposing sides arguments, "You just go and do it" , " Do what makes you happy", "You need to just put your mind to it." those words, in their initial simple wisdom, seem like the simplest of tasks to accomplish.
Why does it have to be that hard? i know in my mind that it really isn't that hard. But I also know that my mind is somehow blocking myself from excelling in that realm. Complacency is a evil habit, which i have seemed to have a acute addiction to. It feels nice to do nothing at times, and I do know that sometimes, that is a very good thing, as it gives the mind a chance to rest. Unfortunately resting too long lets things get soft.
I have ideas running around, whether it is something personal, artistic, family related, job related, home related...all of which i know that I would derive great pleasure in from doing, but the initial spark, the kick in the ass to get moving just isn't happening. Its as if i went camping, set up camp, had all the tools I needed for a successful trip, then went to go to light the campfire only to find out that i only brought up one book of matches, and they're all soaking wet.
I know that at times its frustrating on my friends, family and past relationships at times too. To see someone with so much potential and have it squandered away because I just can't get to it. it strains relationships, family or otherwise, because I'll sit there, occasionally feel bad for myself, constantly bitch about the problem and have people around me bear the constant burden of said behaviors. I know the frustration can build and wear on others, and it isn't fair. I also know that those same people will be there for me with any discussion I decide to have.
I had a dream the other night. My dream was that i was at my old high school track. when you run a mile there, its the standard 4 laps to a mile. I, in my dream, decided to run that mile. before I could start though, there was a team of people practicing something in the middle of the field. they were riding horses and ostrich and playing some weird form of polo/soccer. They all charged at me all of a sudden and i was nearly trampled by said horses and ostrich. After, I started running laps for my mile. The first lap was easy, the second one was exhausting, the third lap it felt like I had lead in my shoes and could hardly lift my feet, and in the final lap, the track started to turn to mud and eventually i was knee deep in quicksand. I don't remember finishing the mile in my dream.
