self assessment....

Not for in fear of losing oneself, but for a general assessment of what and who I am. Call it a bit of soul searching, as a buddy of mine once said to me. As far as I acknowledge, this is who or what I am . I consider this a letter to myself. A reminder to myself as to who and what I am. Crazy people always talk to themself right? Or is that eccentric people?lol..
Marc is lazy and unmotivated at times. It is my biggest flaw. I have ideas of doing things, attempt to get things rolling, then stop. Not to discredit myself once I actually start doing something, because I do finish it, but the spark to get my ass going actively doing it usually lacks. Not to say that I don't enjoy being lazy for the sake of being lazy. Everyone needs that time to decompress and zone out at any given time less they go insane.
Marc is a great cook, planner and entertainer. I love being in a kitchen, whether cooking for myself, one other person, or twenty people. It is one of my places of zen. I can be creative, expressive and comfortable. Even when I'm appearing that I am running around crazy and frazzled...i am in total control. chill...
Marc is a horndog. Sexuality has always intrigued me. I took multiple classes in college that were not required of my program just for the sake of taking it. I enjoy the psychology of it, the physiology and social aspects of it. Plus the nature of the environment i work in, nurtures in the expressive side of it. I am comfortable with all aspects and encourage healthy discussions and or participations.  It will always be a part of my life, and I enjoy all of it. I will not be condemned or chastized for it.
Marc likes cold weather....i thrive in it. Apparently I moved to the wrong state. My favorite time of year is taking a walk in winter, all bundled up, with a slight drizzle in the air. The cold soothes my lungs and feels invigorating.
Marc is a water sign. I'm a scorpio (which also explains the horndog), and I am at home in the water. Once again, apparently I moved to the wrong state...I feel at peace in the ocean, whether I'm in it, sitting next to it, driving up the coast, or even flying over it. Maybe one of these days I'll be able to live much closer.
Marc has communication and expression issues. I have been getting better at things over the years, but I still lack in dealing with confrontations, negotiation, and speaking my mind. I tend to clam up easy and put up a wall. Its a manifestation of my childhood issues, i understand that being a shy lonely kid with severe social, mental and physical issues. But I have been making strides to improve, and am a lot better off than I was ten years ago.
Marc loves dogs and birds. Marc hates cats...i don't like them, they don't like me...that's that.
Marc likes to be clean and organized. A disgusting and disorderly house bothers me. I have a large house, with two dogs. Shit gets dirty, and I have to constantly maintain it. Living in filth is not good. Common sense y'all.
Marc probably drinks too much, but that's a matter of personal perspective. I'm a creature of vice, and alcohol is one. I enjoy it. I make it and hopefully want to produce it and sell it. I make good stuff. I've been in the industry for 16 years. I don't drink everyday, nor do i need to. But when I do enjoy it, I really do. I'm safe about it, no driving, usually at home or out with friends, so with older age comes wisdom. I also know that too much can directly effect my health and weight, so I need to be mindful of it. I'm no longer 22, im 35.I can't drink as much, nor recover as easy. Mornings after a good night suck now. Something to keep my eyes on, but I won't be giving anything up entirely from what I feel for the rest of my life.
Marc loves to travel and experience new things, historically,culturally and culinary wise. I cant stand hanging with people who don't enjoy the same. Youre boring...
Marc loves football. NfL...not really much college. Sunday mornings during  the NFL season, I'm always busy, enjoying time at home with friends, out watching the game, or at the game. I'm really Jonesing right now too being the off season...
Marc needs to make better efforts to be closer to his family. Its hard being almost a thousand miles away, but I have to remember that I own a phone. I hate talking on a phone. But I have to remember that I OWN A PHONE. Family is getting older. So am I. I miss all of them.I enjoy spending time with all of them. My parents dont travel here as frequent as they used to, nor do they fly. I'll probably try to go home for a weekend in July.
Marc need to finally go into business for himself. I've said my intentions for opening up a place of my own. Once again...see the issues with motivation  above...I need to push harder in looking at property. once that is secured, I have to get other things rolling because its already started. I'd much rather be a 40 year old bartender who owns the place that a 40 year old ...bartender...
Marc needs to try and get back into art. Look, making beer and wine is an artform. I enjoy that immensely. I can truly unleash my creative side. I also know that an artist doesnt center on only one art style. I can draw.I can paint. I can sculpt. I got a goddamned degree in art for Christ's sake. I have ideas to create things. Motivation and time.
Marc likes to sleep. A lot. Let me sleep. I am a night person. I hit my main stride from 10pm to 3 am. I work a 9 to 5 job...the other 9 to 5. Im comfortable with that. I dislike mornings. I can wake up early if need be, but not for no reason. I've always been that way. I've tried to go the other route with working day jobs and school and ive been miserable. Sometimes its just a person's internals that dictate their timetables..its how i am, and im content with that.
Marc can be very passive aggressive. It can be a blessing and a curse. I shy away from confrontation. Ive never been in a physical fight. I also could use more skills in standing up for myself. Choosing the right battles and how to fight them . Being constructively aggressive and not doing stupid things or getting into stupid arguements. I've done stupid things by not thinking things thru fully.Take a moment and think for a second.Step aside and wait. Think of my actions, the consequences and how would I deal with something if things went badly.
Marc needs to remember to not change things that are important to him at his core.I need to remember to always be true to myself, for sake of being true to others in the process. I will not change those things that make me...me. I don't need to be put into situations wherein a change is required, whether it be for a job, family, relationships or friends. Be true to yourself.
That is all for my soul searching today....