Assessing the means of motivation

"The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones."

- William Faulkner

If there's anything that my closest of friends would tell me is that at times, I do over think things. Its said that sometimes things come easier if you don't ponder down something to the point of it being beat down to a meaty pulp embedded in the pavement. But like the wolf said to the sheep, sorry, it's just in my nature.

I've been trying to wrestle internally with my own self for the past few years now, and sometimes it gets the better of me and sometimes I best my own thoughts. However, what always seems to come up in any argument or thought process with myself or with having conversations with others is that I have a inherit lack of motivation to do, well, anything. Beforehand, i was questioning "how" to get motivated to do things. then I figured out that it may be more beneficial to ditch that tactic and instead, try to wrap my head around "why" I can't seem to get motivated. If that can get figured out, then there may be a serendipitous route around the dilemma. Where to start with that process, i honestly don't know.

Is it due to my past? Is it due to how I was raised? I know that I am a type B personality, that is unquestionable. Then again, I do know some people with similar traits of mine that are a lot more driven to accomplish things in life.

So what is the prevention cause? I currently know people who are gung-ho about attacking the corporate daily workload, who have on a whim decided to attempt to ride a bike from San Diego to Phoenix, who are currently in the process of trying to relocate their job and life to Hawaii, who can wake up daily and workout along with a full workday, who tirelessly gets to work and deals with special needs kids.

Its compelling...the ability that they have to do what they do. It also makes me a tinge jealous. I've heard all the opposing sides arguments, "You just go and do it" , " Do what makes you happy", "You need to just put your mind to it." those words, in their initial simple wisdom, seem like the simplest of tasks to accomplish.

Why does it have to be that hard? i know in my mind that it really isn't that hard. But I also know that my mind is somehow blocking myself from excelling in that realm. Complacency is a evil habit, which i have seemed to have a acute addiction to. It feels nice to do nothing at times, and I do know that sometimes, that is a very good thing, as it gives the mind a chance to rest. Unfortunately resting too long lets things get soft.

I have ideas running around, whether it is something personal, artistic, family related, job related, home related...all of which i know that I would derive great pleasure in from doing, but the initial spark, the kick in the ass to get moving just isn't happening. Its as if i went camping, set up camp, had all the tools I needed for a successful trip, then went to go to light the campfire only to find out that i only brought up one book of matches, and they're all soaking wet.

I know that at times its frustrating on my friends, family and past relationships at times too. To see someone with so much potential and have it squandered away because I just can't get to it. it strains relationships, family or otherwise, because I'll sit there, occasionally feel bad for myself, constantly bitch about the problem and have people around me bear the constant burden of said behaviors. I know the frustration can build and wear on others, and it isn't fair. I also know that those same people will be there for me with any discussion I decide to have.

I had a dream the other night. My dream was that i was at my old high school track. when you run a mile there, its the standard 4 laps to a mile. I, in my dream, decided to run that mile. before I could start though, there was a team of people practicing something in the middle of the field. they were riding horses and ostrich and playing some weird form of polo/soccer. They all charged at me all of a sudden and i was nearly trampled by said horses and ostrich. After, I started running laps for my mile. The first lap was easy, the second one was exhausting, the third lap it felt like I had lead in my shoes and could hardly lift my feet, and in the final lap, the track started to turn to mud and eventually i was knee deep in quicksand. I don't remember finishing the mile in my dream.

I've Been a Little..."Busy"

I honestly wish I could say that I've been productively busy in the past 2 months getting things done around the house and so forth, but in reality, the past few months have been a whole big world of unwarranted disappointments. I've been relatively laid up with injuries, illness, mental breakdowns and general lethargy since about August. thankfully I had a pleasant break in September with a well needed and cherished reunion back home with my best friends and brethren Ryan and Doug. The trip left us with a returned taste for the old carefree days of our youth where we only really had to worry about finishing our homework and waking up in time to commit fun events of bonding and mayhem.

Right about then, i was pretty much finished with my hand therapy. about a week after returning from our trip, I apparently decided that one chronic body injury wasn't well enough, and decided to make my way clockwise around my limbs for pain and punishment. On a Weds., 09/09/09, I had a horrible work accident that involved a 4 gallon pot of 375 degree fryer oil that left me incapacitated,crippled, and now permanently scarred. It took a week to be able to stand and hobble, another week to to basic tasks, and another two weeks to yesterday; to be able to wear shoes and socks again and do normal everyday tasks. I celebrated yesterday with a new found freedom by doing overdue 2 month yardwork, put aside home chores, shopping, cleaning and errands which took me all day due to the mass of tasks previously made unable. I still have more to do, especially since i found out yesterday when my parents will arrive to make their yearly visit to the desert next week. Yes, I know, don't overdue it. trust me,I'm not, I'm just finally happy that I'm fully functional. Granted, I haven't tried running or anything really strenuous yet, but that will come in time and need.

Its been a godsend to be able to get back into work and make money to pay bills, seeing that as of a week and a half ago, by checking account was sitting at a desolate $28 from not being able to work. Things are getting healthy again, as well as I, and there will not be any worry of being able to pay things off from here on out.

I just feel so pleased to be productive again. Before all this had happened, I had made a not-so-unreasonable to do list for things around the house and things personal, and it was frustrating as all hell to just sit on the couch or in bed staring at things I needed to do but couldn't. Now, especially with the long anticipated break in the weather, the cooler 80 degree days give added vigor in deeds. Not to mention the return of Sunday football.

I'm forever in debt to friends and co-workers and family that helped me out in all this down and out bullcrap. They've secured deeper places in my heart for it. I hope that I wouldn't have to call on you again for anything this serious or worse again, but I know that you all will be there, as I will on you.

I have a lot more to discuss, but those are to come yet soon.

40 Things i have to do before I leave this place.

3. 
   

1. Find that person and spend the rest of my time and travels with her.


2. Father a child


3. Be closer to my family


4. Ride my surfboard


5. Make my own wine


6. Remodel a home


7. Do a triathlon


8. Climb a mountain


9. Travel this country


10. Travel the world


11. Write a book


12. Attend an Olympics


13. See the Cardinals live in a superbowl win


14. Go on a cruise


15. Visit Yellowstone


16. Visit Yosemite


17. Visit the Alaskan wilderness


18. Donate blood


19. Ride 100 miles on a bike in one day


20. Hike the Grand Canyon


21. Have a recipe noticed and published


22. Run a successful business


23. Own beachfront property


24. Deep sea fish again


25. Paint a family portrait


26. Own and fix a classic car


27. Find some sort of treasure


28. Read all the classic literature books


29. Throw out a first pitch at any baseball game
30. Properly see where my father is from
31. Visit back where my mother is from
32. Hike the John Muir Trail (or a good part of it)
33. Drive the entire west coast Highway 1
34. ?
35. ?
36. ?
37. ?
38. ?
39. ?
40. ?

A book of questions #1

Last week while at a bookstore, I picked up a small paperback book called The Book of Questions by Gregory Stock PHD. its not a trivia book, nor does it have answers to any of the questions in it. Obviously, you provide the answers yourself, and each answer is uniquely your own.

Today's question is...

Do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits? would you be willing to spend the night alone in a remote house that is reported to be haunted?

Yes, and No are my answers.

i do believe in spirits, one obviously the soul of a person, whether it be good or bad. And two, i believe that enough bad mojo can manifest itself in an area that it becomes a bad place. There are far too many bad people in the world, present and dead, that have made this place a non paradise at times. Thankfully, for the most part, I think that people are inherently good at heart and outnumber the bad. Still though, evil spirits do manifest themselves at times and create very, very bad people or events. Hitler's Holocaust, Stalin and Saddam's mass murders, corrupt kings and queens, presidents, tyrants, generals, leaders and common men all have done horrendous and inconceivable evil acts against humanity without any rational explanation besides the fact that they are just plain evil.

As most of my friends and family know, for a while there, we believed that I had a spirit living in my current house that, while it wasn't doing anything necessarily bad, it just hung around and was a nuisance..kind of like a annoying 4Th grade bully that kept untying your shoes or stealing your juice box. it took a team of me blessing the house with holy water, and for Chris to come in and spiritually "regulate" on said spiritual bully. He hasn't bothered anyone nor really been seen since.

As for staying in a place that is reported to be a haunted place with evil spirits, um, no thanks. Not because I wouldn't be scared, of course I would, its that I'd be more afraid of those spirits potentially doing harm, either mentally or even physically to myself. Maybe if i was a priest or something or had a cleaner karma i could withstand such a potential spirited onslaught, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't last currently.

This past week

I'm sorry, but I haven't been able to get around to updating recent events lately. This past week has seen a variety of doctors visits and life alterations.

Firstly, I went and got my temporary crown put on last week, and the permanent mold got sent to the lab to be formed, so in two weeks i will have my final crown installed along with a couple of fillings done, then I am happy to say that (outside of regular cleanings) i am done with my dentist. I can elect to get my bridge done at a time of my convenience in the future.

As for the results from my new doctor, I'm taking a personal over ride on that one. The blood test results came back showing everything was fine and normal with the exception of my cholesterol and triglycerides, upon which, she wanted me to get on a cholesterol med prescription. Here's my deal...I'm 32, and even though I'm a little overweight, there should be no reason that I have high cholesterol...in fact, I've never had high cholesterol. I don't think I had a long enough fasting period before the blood was drawn, which is recommended that you have between 10-24 hrs of not eating before blood was drawn. i had eaten a large meal 8 hours prior to the visit.

Also, in choosing to self medicate, all I need to do is restructure my diet and exercise more, and drink less also ( which directly affects my triglycerides). So, I'm happy to say that i haven't had any fried foods in 2 weeks, been loading up on a lot of veggies & low carb foods & toned down my drinking habits too. I also have been getting some form of exercise daily, whether it be on my elliptical, playing Carolyn's Wii games, housework or riding on my new fitness bike I bought a few days ago in my living room.

I'm happy to say that I've already lost a few noticeable pounds, and i hope to continue losing for the next 6 weeks when they want another blood test to check everything again.

I really don't want to start taking pills ( if my test results really were true) because 99% of the time, those pills have side effects that require other pills, and more pills after...etc...etc...drug companies are con artists anyways....just ask my parents.

MY tendinitis in my left arm is getting much better, so hopefully by my Aug. 11th exam it will be all but gone. then its just a matter of keeping that arm strong and flexible....or get another damn job.

Oh, the joys of pet ownership by the way...I love my box of rocks, but he's sick this week with constant vomiting and mud butt. Both of the explosive kind. i haven't been able to feed him in a day because he can't keep food down. He woke me up 3 times this morning before work with dry heaves. If this continues into tomorrow, I'm going to have to drop a lot of cash on a vet visit. thank God I have a steam cleaner.
It's been really, really hot this week, almost 120 on Sunday. My garden is nice and trimmed up and maintained, but the other day i found out I had a irrigation pipe break next to my garage...conveniently underneath the concrete slab. So, before getting my crown done, i had to sledgehammer concrete in 114 degree heat to fix the pipe (that was sooo much fun!) Well, the pipe is fixed and I poured new concrete on top to patch it all up.

Outside of that, work is hot,slow in the daytime and full of annoying drunks at night. I'm so happy that I'm a responsible and courteous drunk when I do become one, everyone else are jackasses.

On a positive spin, i got to hang out with Doug on Sunday, which was pretty damn fun. He says too, that Ryan is still planning on coming out to the states in September and that he's tried to write me, but I haven't received anything from him. I don't think that it went to my spam folder, so i don't know, i will write him instead.

Thursday

Yesterday was a strange day, by my standards at least. I woke up refreshed, and set forth to do a few hours worth of yardwork in the front, tuned up the bushes & trees and mowed the lawn. It was hot, damn hot. this whole week is slated to be 110 or higher. Never the less, I was productive. I didn't get to tune up the garden though, because I had to head out to the dentist for my final installment of doctors visits this week. This visit was for an additional checkup to see how my mouth is recovering from the deep cleaning last time, and to get a quick cleaning.
I'm proud to say that for the first time since I can remember, my doctor said I was making very good progress and recovery of lost gum tissue and that things were very well taken care of. I have a appointment next Thursday to get my crown installed, and then one more appointment to get 2 fillings done, and then, I'm happy to say...i am done with the dentist outside of regular cleanings and getting my optional bridge done. yay!
After i was done with the appointment i headed up north to Carolyn's place in N. Phoenix (nice road trip). We decided to go out and see a movie and grab some dinner.
We saw Up. it was pretty entertaining, had plenty of funny moments and a few tear jerking scenes. All in all, another good pixar film that caters to all. We grabbed a bite at Pei Wei for Chinese food after. I ate the Mandarin Kung Pao chicken with rice...it was ok, but in the end a little lackluster for me.
We headed back to her place for a quick swim in the pool to relax before I had to head home to let the dogs out. I came back and watched a little TV before crashing out.
i do have to say that its been a while since I've had a day off that not only was productive and social, but also didn't have any involvement of partying. It was nice and fulfilling.

random testing

In the Meyers-Briggs psych personality test I am a INTJ, and in the
Keirsey Temperament Sorter
the results indicates that your personality type is that of the
Guardians are the cornerstone of society, for they are the temperament given to serving and preserving our most important social institutions. Guardians have natural talent in managing goods and services--from supervision to maintenance and supply -- and they use all their skills to keep things running smoothly in their families, communities, schools, churches, hospitals, and businesses.
Guardians can have a lot of fun with their friends, but they are quite serious about their duties and responsibilities. Guardians take pride in being dependable and trustworthy; if there's a job to be done, they can be counted on to put their shoulder to the wheel. Guardians also believe in law and order, and sometimes worry that respect for authority, even a fundamental sense of right and wrong, is being lost. Perhaps this is why Guardians honor customs and traditions so strongly -- they are familiar patterns that help bring stability to our modern, fast-paced world.
Practical and down-to-earth, Guardians believe in following the rules and cooperating with others. They are not very comfortable winging it or blazing new trails; working steadily within the system is the Guardian way, for in the long run loyalty, discipline, and teamwork get the job done right. Guardians are meticulous about schedules and have a sharp eye for proper procedures. They are cautious about change, even though they know that change can be healthy for an institution. Better to go slowly, they say, and look before you leap.
Guardians make up as much as 40 to 45 percent of the population, and a good thing, because they usually end up doing all the indispensable but thankless jobs everyone else takes for granted.
Guardians at WorkAs a Guardian, you enjoy working as a valued member of a team, whether you are leading it or following a credible leader. You like to work with people who carry their weight. You appreciate having clear-cut responsibilities and being recognized for your dedication and achievements. Your natural traits are those that employers have traditionally valued - and that successful companies still respect. You are responsible and loyal to an organization once you've signed on.
You are most comfortable when your life is structured. As a result you usually prefer a workplace that lets you create a routine you can settle into. Because you are dependable and exacting, your colleagues and customers rely on your work. Your ideal job offers you a clear chain of command, and lets you progress through a hierarchy based on your meeting expectations.

Feeling the Pressure

Amid all the bereavement of the funeral and services, I was able to see a light during the dark times, just too bad that the light wasn't really shining in my direction in my opinion.
The majority of my cousins are now married and have, or have tried to have children. I have two cousins engaged, one to marry next year. Another just celebrated their wedding anniversary. My parents had their 45th year anniversary this year. Aunts and Uncles are celebrating births of grandchildren. The irony is that here I still sit, unwed. From the get go, my friends and family thought I'd be one of the first to settle down, now I'm slated to fall in line with the last.
I've been hearing lectures and quotable lines from Mom over the years regarding when I'm going to settle down and find a good woman, but for the first time I had to hear it from Dad this past weekend. Granted i told them that I started dating someone new, but still Dad made it a point to say that one needs someone to grow old with and spend the rest of their lives together. I got the hint about him and mom from that seeing that they've been through a lot together, but especially a lot of bad things over the past decade. I know he makes sense, but everytime I ask him or her how did you know it was time with the right person, the response was the same, that they just knew.
I was mulling that over in the airport on Friday afternoon while I waited for my flight. I looked over to my left and saw an attractive woman in her late thirties with a good sized rock on her finger. She looked busy juggling her phone and a laptop, but she looked happy. I almost interrupted her and asked her how she knew it time to get married, but I rationalized that it would be an awkward thing to ask a busy stranger. Ironically, as i thought that, I got a message from my ex that she had started seeing someone new.
I suppose some people just are destined to be alone, not saying that i am one of them. I do like the person I am seeing now and will see where it takes us, but for example, my friend Chris has been single for years, with the occasional tryst here and there. He's almost 50, and he himself has stated that he's pretty much given up on the chances of being with someone and starting a family.
I would honestly feel that the day I start feeling that way would be one of the worst days of my life.
Is there a difference between just knowing when someone is right for you and continually working on a relationship to make it work? I don't think that one should have to continually do that. Yes, challenge one another and keep things interesting, with arguments to a minimum, but I still think that two should just get along very well.
Then again, is there something deeper than that? Is there a fate to follow either by life itself or another higher power wherein you are deemed worthy enough to receive something special as a family? That theory doesn't work well in my mind as much either as i know people who live good lives and are not rewarded with it, and others who live downright shitty and still have children and family that are theirs to enjoy and live with.
Its that proverbial watched pot of water that should be boiling. I suppose I'll know when I know.