Desperate Housewives vs. The Real World

I swear...as of late my neighborhood has been the focal point of a daytime soap opera reality show. As of late, the current situation, rumors included with reality are that there are 2 divorces occurring, not directly resulting from numerous interneighboorly affairs with opposite spouses. The victims of the infidelity aren't really doing anything about it because, well when they aren't busy embezzling dead relatives money...they are being unfaithful to thier spouses too with varying outside parties including one "interior decorator" hired by a neighboor and having affairs with two of my neighbours as she cheats on her husband. One other neighboor had gangrene of the gall bladder and nearly died before emergency surgery and another neighboor, I am convinced is running a puppy mill. One neighboors kid may be dating a Mexican national "aka illegal". Ironically, his father works for a government agency shuttling illegals back to their country of origin.

Yet another neighboor is a nationally known "girly" doctor who is really big here in AZ as well as Hollywood and the nation who has been dumping insane amounts of cash into his house that he never lives in because when he's not sleeping in his office, or his wife or his girlfriend, he's spending the weekend at his "church"...aka some weird scientology commune out of town.

So, in retrospect...there are 6 cheaters, one hired help multi-cheater, one hospital patient, a cooky religious cultist ob-gyn, a botox infused money stealing cheating gold digger, possible illegal immigrant, multiple divorces and all around dysfunctionality.

Then there's me. Man it feels good to be Switzerland. All I do bad is stay up late with a friend or two having a beer and grilling out in the yard.

Missing in action

So I've been gone for a while. Eat me. Those that I actually consider to be friends have either called, emailed or at least texted me to see whats up. Screw the rest of you, I have no time for fickle brown nosing or wannabe friend crap. Those of you in the know, you know whats been up.
As for today, here's how my nice relaxing day went.
I woke up on a cozy Monday morning. April 7th 2008 at 9:45 am to partly cloudy California skies. It was just chilly enough to want to stay in bed, but I was rested enough that I felt like getting up.
I got up, had breakfast with Dad and then worked in the garden with him for a few hours.
I had lunch, did laundry, checked my finances online.
I took a nice slow walk, walked down to the park and laid in the grass under a large ash tree and took a long daydream capnap with my iPod on.
I walked home, picking some fruit off some trees on the way.
I got home, prepped food for dinner, and then baked 2 loaves of oatmeal banana nut bread and a few dozen oatmeal raisin cookies before a hearty fish dinner with bean salad.
I relaxed on the couch afterwards, wrote this and then more than likely went to bed.
It sucks to be you.

day 8-a quest for endurances

There are certain things in this world that cannot be, or would take a real effort to be destroyed.
One of such things is Dirty Ryan's special sock. We think, that due to his supernatural nature of his libido, that his superpower would be a ability to be anywhere at anytime. Yesterday, opon parking at the Pig & Whistle in SF, we found a special sock by by tire. Today we decided to head south near Santa Cruz to Big Basin State Park, a place I hadn't been in almost 17 years, if that.
We drove through the sleepy towns of Monte Sereno and Saratoga, where the average life speed is stuck in first gear. Up the windy and Dramamine pill popping highway 9 into the forest choked hills of the Santa Cruz mountains. For 23 miles I tested my driving skills on a nearly one lane road. Some skills you just never forget. We stopped for a rest stop in back of a lucky tree that needed watering and what do we find behind the rear of the truck??? The exact same Dirty Ryan sock. We just accepted the fact that Ryan was going to be with us in spirit on this trip as he worked his current life in Japan.




















(dirty Ryan joined us today)

We Got to the park after a long windy road and arrived to a pleasingly slow Monday morning at the park. Only a few cars, and no campers which meant the park was pretty much empty. We went inside the main cabin, got a $3 park map and the fanny pack mafia hit the trails to semperverius falls.




















(pointing to roughly the spot I was born-center of the tree states birth at 544 AD)


The hike was an easy 4 miles through a plethora of redwoods, most of which were wider than my truck and older than time itself. After about a little under an hour and one pit stop later, we arrived at the falls to relax for a few minutes.


























(Our destination point)




















We hiked back and settled in for a long drive up the California coast to Half Moon Bay.
We dumped out in Santa Cruz and headed north along a very rare crystal clear and windless coast this afternoon.





















We got into Half Moon Bay and got a quick cup of fresh chowder and hand battered calamari before heading back to home. Picking up a pizza for Mom and Dad in Woodside, we got back and joined then for a very light dinner. We were stuffed and relaxed. Around 8 we headed out for the night to see what mischief we could muster.
Clooney's in San Carlos was our first stop for a beer. There was a group of youngins wannabe representing their parents trust funds there all ghetto style. A pool shark showed up and started nervously schooling one of them. We decided to leave before it got too drunk and comical. We walked up to Orchid room and had one more. It felt more like a bar should be, dark, smokey, barflys abound, cheap booze. We sought after more entertainment so we headed south. Apparently Mondays are not good times for places to be open...even the Taco Bell closed early.
We Settled on the Saddle Room in Redwood City. We had a drink and a shot and craved food outside of the typical fast food crap. The irony was that we hit up a place that I worked across from at the ice cream store in Menlo Park-The Dutch Goose.
Aged well, peanut shells on the floor, tables carved into oblivion, video games, cold beer and damn good bacon cheeseburgers with extra pickles. One small pitcher and a few games of old school street fighter later, we headed up to Sharon Park to chat for a bit. It was dark and isolated lakefront park, but open the door for more welcome conversation. We talked there for a while discussing the intricacies of modern and past manhood touchstones before heading home on the onset of being able to see one's breath.
At home, a slice of leftover pizza and a bed awaited both midnight warriors.

Day 5-Screw me? Take a hike tax man! Speaking of...

After a hearty sleep and a tasty start to my morning with 2 of Chuck's reason to live donuts and a cup of coffee, I went and dominated upstairs and took a shower. Afterwards we waited for my Dad's accountant to come by to touch base with Dad for his taxes. After about an hour I was able to ask him a few questions of my own and finally get my taxes done. $328 back from the Feds, but as usual, I have to pay the GDummit state of AZ $228. Ok, so I get a hundred, which is more than I usually get, but still, the state of AZ always screws me over.
Anyways, so I get dressed and decide to head up to Edgewood park for a hike. Once again, a can't ask for better weather day. 70 degrees and sunny. Havin grew up right near Edgewood, I felt really familiar with being there. I remember the trails, what the scenery looks like, sounds, smells, and plant life all looked familiar. There wasn't too many people, only a handful, but all friendly when I passed them on the trail. For some reason, Edgewood is a fast paced maze of trails. I just can't seem to bring it on myself to hike slow here, even though over half is uphill, I endure the thigh, calf and ass burning so I can haul ass. I can't complain, it gives me a great workout, feels great and helps to open up my breathing better.
























(the sylvan loop trailhead)

A quick 3 miles of narrow trails and switchbacks and I had worked up a good sweat. Highest point was at a meadow vista point of about 1000 ft that is ascended in a mile. The trails were nice and cool below, but you kinda heated up on top where the sun beat down on you for 3/4 a mile. I had to remind myself that it was only Feb. and I was working up a sweat in a tank top and shorts in winter.





(a stream along the trail)









































(views from the summit, and the fanny pack mafia leader is once again spotted)


On the way home I told the 'rents that I'd pick up dinner, so I hit up the Ranch 99 market in Foster City and got 2 good sized bonito (a tuna relative) and a few odds and ends.
Got back, prepped them up, and popped them on the grill. Tasty treats I tell you, tasty.




















Tonight was nothing special. We all sat around as dad watched wrestling (the 3rd of 4 weekly shows) and I typed up my journal. We ended up watching the Wicker Man after. Twisted freggin movie. Ending pissed me off. Ate a donut, crashed out.

Day 4 Toilet seat transplants, 1000 noisy groundhogs & donut dreams

I figured that today should be an easy enough day. In most aspects, I was right. I got up, had breakfast, let Mom and pop walk Jenny as I headed to home depot to find a replacement toilet seat for my bathroom. It was one of those faux plastic puffy wood grain ones that had since developed tears over the past 17 years. It's seen a lot of poop, and time to retire it. On the way back from the depot, Ma asked me to stop at the store to pick up steak for dinner. No prob.
I get back, replace my seat and Mom's bathroom seat with a spare Dad already had.
It's 72 today and sunny, nice enough for pop to work in the yard all day. I assist him with scraping the chimney flume of buildup, help mom learn on the computer, marinade steaks for later and do some laundry. At 130 I grab Jenny and head down to Bair Island to hike....closed for renovations. Wonderful...and I really liked that place too. I decide to go a few miles south to Bayshore Park and give it a go.




















(Jenny and I at Bayshore)
Bayshore USED to be the city landfill, but to our benefit, some liberal tree hugger decided to stop dumping and make a park of it. Whatever, it worked. What I didn't realize was that in the process of converting the area to wetlands, old garbage grass covered hills make prime real estate for groundhogs and migratory birds. No prob for me, but Jenny was the most uncontrollable I've ever seen, even with her pinch collar on.





















(geese and 1000's of groundhogs..)


At least the scenery was great, the paths well maintained and it was nice and quiet on the 2.5 mile stroll until the path decided to turn right in front of a well hidden water treatment plant. Somehow the RHCP "Dani California" didn't sound so groovy when overlaid with sump pumps and sulfur smells.





















(Jenny amid the wildflowers at the preserve)

I got home and started making dinner on the grill. There are 3 things that will go together until the end of time...man,fire,meat. That first caveman who put this combo together must have been revered as a god amongst his peeps and was then on showered with cavegirl BJ's, orgies and a endless supply of cheetoes and beer (or the time's equivalent to).




















(Man, fire,meat....it's good!)

After dinner Dad shut off the TV and we sat around and talked about the years up until my age of 8. Our old residences, stories of him running the apartments, life threatening situations of his, our family's past and his interpretation of how I am the recycled and reincarnated soul of my grandfather on my moms side. He died in 1974, I was born in 1976 and in 1978 I saw saying things to Dad that only my grandfather said to him. That, coupled with my looks and affinity for booze makes me a copy of grandpa LaFrance.
By brainstorming memories on top of others, I was able to dredge up memories I never knew I had. That felt good.
Soon it was time for bed though, and tomorrow our accountant would be over at 11am to try and sort my problems out. My mom said he likes donuts, and seeing that I know a guy named Chuck who makes them 24-7, a quik 15 min run to the shop at 11pm seemed in order.





















It would be a REEEAL tough decision to have to choose between only having Chuck's donuts or sex for all of eternity. It's that good, and twice the size and 1000 times tastier and half the price than that crispy creme bullshit.
Now if you'd excuse me, sugar coma is kicking in and donut dreams await for my reincarnated soul...

Day 1, magic 8 ball says all signs point to yes.

I left Phoenix at 5 this morning, anxiously awaiting the path ahead of me. I call it a stale fear, as if I would have anything to be fearful about. In my departure, I tried to outrace the sun, and as the usual outcome, lost. Obviously a 75 mph vehicle can't quite win that race. Maybe I was too heavy, that jalapeno bagel dog for breakfast was causing too much drag.

On a whim, going 75, which isn't the safest thing to do, I whipped out my camera and took a blind over the shoulder shot of the sunrise. It turned out to be a compelling and insightful photo. 3 elements are present that signify my plight.

One is the T&C ying yang. I am looking for balance in myself.

Two, there are water mark creases from the squeegee that forms a cross. By doing what I'm doing, I have arrived at a crossroads in my life.

Three, the rising sun means that not only can I not escape my rising fate, but it is the beginning of something new on a new day.

Fate smiled on me today. The wind was always at my back, effortlessly pushing me up the road, heavy truck load and all. I ran into absolutely no traffic or delays on my travels today and reached Cali in record time.Yes...no traffic...in L.A....I should have played the lotto.

Tired, yes, but after arriving in RWC, I stayed up as long as I could after a welcome dinner.

Everything was welcoming and seemingly destined to occur to my favor. The storm that hit here cleared on my arrival and it is slated to be sunny and 70 for the next few days. The hills are so electrically green, its as if a greater hand came down with a huge pine green marker and painted in between the lines. The sea air was crisp, clean and healthy. Glasses of tap water were cold and rejuvenating. Jenny Jones knew just where to lay down in front of us in the living room on her spot.

The truck and I knew the way, and at times argued with TOM TOM, who, on each argument, conceded to the more knowledgeable source. She was right on one waypoint though, "you have reached your destination", I was home.

Captain Green Thumb

Who says that you cant grow anything out in the desert? Well, I'll tell you if that statement is true again come a month from now when its over a hundred outside and everything has shriveled up to nothing. I tried to have a garden back at my old house in Tempe, but it was extremely labor intensive. The soil there sucked as it was compacted river clay (as if the dirt here is any better), and there was no watering system, so I had to make sure to manually hose the plants off once or twice a night when it was cool enough outside to not fry them (imaging what happens when you throw water on a hot pan-same thing happens with plants...they burn from the shock)-and of course all it took was one or two days of forgetting to water them, or leaving on vacation to not be able to water them and they all turned to dust.
I hope that here at this house is different. I extended the drip system from the front yard 2 months ago and converted the existing dog run area on the side of the house into a small garden area.
My dad (you should see his garden in Cali) was right-working in the yard is the best form of exercise in the world. Digging, shoveling, moving rock, working the soil all works your ass with a vengeance. Who knew that by planing two new trees by digging two 3x3x2 ft holes in the ground would humble my ass. By the end of digging the second hole through the compacted clay-type dirt, my arms and back burned, I was out of breath and sweating my ass off. That was a month ago back when it was cool outside.

Anyways, yes, this is what the garden area looks like now. Sunflowers, corn, cabbage and a small tangerine tree in the back. Lots of lettuce, okra, corn, cucumbers, squash and zucchini in the middle. Melons, peppers, tomatoes, cactus, aloe vera, herbs and hibiscus in the front. Two lemon and lime trees are in the back against the house. The drip system is the savior of it all. I dig in, place the pipes and tubing, cover, set a timer and it keeps the ground moist all day long. I just hope that it gives everything a fighting chance come summer. Even when I was keeping up with watering daily in Tempe, everything eventually got cooked come August.

This guy never ceases to amaze me. I started this fucker as a two inch tall by two inch wide cactus in a little pot I got at Wal-Mart or K-Mart or

somewhere about 7 years ago. He's still in the same pot I put him in. He went from about 3 ounces to now close to 30 pounds since then. I need to put him in the ground, which will require cutting the pot from around him and grounding him. Considering the longest barb on him is two inches long and the shortest ones are half an inch while being as think as toothpicks in places, gloves don't do anything for you. Anyways, he in his 7 years, has never blossomed. As of last week, he was a plain ol' cactus. Four days ago he sprouted all these weird bumps, which grew since then and started blossoming into these gorgeous sunset orange flowers. These flowers are huge! About as big as a sunflower! Speaking of sunflowers, check these out.

Not bad. Maybe a little of my Dad's green gene passed onto me after all.

Boo

We go back from Hawai'i very late Sunday night, and made the drive home from the airport at 1am. Got home, de-geared as best as we could before passing out. A few days later, I had Crystal and Andrea over for a quick dinner and some brews and to catch up on everything. After talking about the trip, her new job, social happenings and other topics, I asked her how sitting the house went. Nothing special, everything went fine.

I knew that Andrea has an aversion to spending the night here because she thinks that a spirit still remains in the house. No biggie, I always knew that the little bugger never really left, he just let himself be known, and then Chris and I put him in his place. He, Jenny and I now live in a relatively peaceful co-existence.

So I ask 'Drea if she had any run ins with netherworld dwellers, and without missing a beat, she said yes. Until now, Crystal had been the only one who had supposedly "seen" him. She asked 'Drea what he looked like and what he was wearing, and Crystal confirmed that's who she saw as well.

I still had my doubts.

Well, until I got my third verification. Apparently, even though she didn't tell me during her visit in December, my cousin Tina was visited by the same man.

I guess he likes girls. Good to know that he's not gay. He also likes to appear when they are in the shower. Sweet, now he's perverted like me!! No wonder we get along so well.

So, that said, if you are a female gracing my home with your presence and see a figure of a man in his late forties, wearing shorts and a cream or yellow shirt, about 5' 11" watching you get nekkid, don't be alarmed, it's just Casper the perverted ghost.

Makes me wonder how sick he thinks I am, watching me look at costumed, three way midget porn all day drinking coffee and beers.

Cranberry bread and pussy soup

Ok, so last night I was supposed to hang out with Doug to acclimate him to working graveyard shifts at his new job by keeping him up, partying, maybe involving a tittie bar, til the wee hours of the morning. I get a text from him saying that he thinks he came down with whatever cold bug is floating around. Cool. What's not cool is that I didn't know that one could transmit germs through cell phones, cuz not too long after his text, I started feeling iffy. Stuffy nose, itchy throat, sinuses, slight cough. Dammit!

So I stayed home and did what I always do when I get sicky, pop a herbal and vitamin pill cocktail, down some green tea and knock myself out with Nyquil. 10 glorious hours of undisturbed sleep later, although I still know I have germs floating around in me, I feel like I kicked my cold's ass.

So today (weds), I switched shifts with Matt, he will work tonight for me, and I will work manana for him so he can go to the SEC championship in Georgia. What's on the agenda for today? I baked a bunch of cranberry nut breads for the holidays. Put em in the freezer, and use them or give them out at my leisure. Then, I set out on a new adventure, shopping around for a new toy. A hot tub to be precise. Ah the joys of a hot tub. Long soothing soaks, bubbles and jets working their magic on sore bodies. Add a bottle of booze, a sixer of beer, some tunes and a bunch of near nekkid random bitches and you got one thing my friends ...to quote Striker from his last letter home from basic training...

"Pussy soup". Mmmm, taste it!

Build it and it will come my friends. You want a banging house party? Get a pool. Want a more intimate setting that screams out your pimp status? Get a fucking spa.

yeah...it's on.

"caulk" blok

Staying in stride with the home improvement angle, Sunday I finished trimming all the hedges in the front (he, hee, power tools!) and got it all looking landscaper grade. I suppose now with the proper tools, I shall no longer need to go out and hire a gardener every three months for major maintenance. Chris pops over at noon as I finish out front and we head inside and grab a beer and watch a little football before deciding what to do for the day. I guess we decide on day drinking.

We head up to Zipps in Scottsdale and grab a bucket of beers on special and a sandwich while watching various games and a good handful of assorted trim walking around the bar.

After lunch we leave and head over to my work for more cocktails. I meet up with a bunch of regulars at the bar watching the Saints/Steelers game. Chris makes friends with a couple of other regulars. I'm trying to drum up some girl friends to party with during the night time hours and we are put on hold til peeps get out of work or otherwise. Meantime I tell Chris that we should move the party to home.

We head home, stop by Trader Joe's for some vino and Xmas party supplies on the way.

Need to pace for the possibility of going all night long. Pound some iced tea and sober the rest of the way up while I throw on a vast assortment of animal carcasses on the BBQ while Chris manages the fire pit in the yard. The peeps we invited couldn't make it and took a rain check for a later date.

Chris crashes and goes home.

I wake up today feeling pretty rested, but clogged up. Either allergies or I'm starting to get the bug that everyone and their mother has right now. I start to get motivated to do shit. I clean house today, take out trash, do some minor work in the garage, go to the bank, the video store and the mailbox. Biggest project of the day though was scraping and attempting to re-caulk the master bathroom shower stall. Man I'm sorry, but Arizona water is harder than me after being strapped to a chair and forced to have a 6 ft tall amazon babe grind on me for 4 hours while I'm watching an endless loop of midget on girl dressed like a nun porn.

I'm using tools ranging from a toothbrush, putty knife to a dremel grinder. I get a good amount of the crust off, suck it all up with the shop vac and then bust out the caulk gun and attempt to seal it. I'll see tomorrow if it worked or not after it dries.

Next project should be (and the only one left standing) finding and patching all the small to medium cracks.

Home Improvement

Ahh the feeling of having a new house. Well, at least the look of a new home. $2400 later, the house got a fresh coat of paint. It looks tits now! I also stick out more now with a different color scheme because before all 8 houses around me were the same color. Now I'm the odd one. Good! Screw conformity! The work was done in 3 days by a crew of two to three. Not bad at all, and they did great work.

On more home improvement fronts, I finished installing the garden on the side of the house by tearing up the dog run, installing a new drip system and planting some new trees and various plants. What's weird is that my kitchen is more of a garden than the outside now. I have like 10 large plants inside, which is cool, it brings some life in the place, and if things go well, I'll have strawberries and tomatoes in a few months.

I also just finished repairing the outside ceiling fans on the patio. The blades all needed to be refinished and painted. I did and colored them with my Alma mater- ASU colors, so GO DEVILS! I unfortunately also found out that a good way to NOT clean the ceiling fans is to shoot them with directly with the garden hose. I ended up shorting out the breaker for 3 days. It finally dried out enough today that everything worked again.

Speaking of electricity, I have a new favorite tool. Say hello to the joys of electric hedge clippers! I'm shearing more bush than a triple X Ron Jeremy porno now. Of course though, what does my dumb ass do in the first 10 minutes of using it? Accidentally cut through the electrical cord. Lesson learned and cord patched, let the fun commence. I'll finish the other half of the bushes manana.

Once I get the outside situated, it'll be time to do some minor stuff inside like crack patching and painting.

Oh, BTW, now that things are in motion, I'm starting to shop for a hot tub. Oh, all you ladies of Scottsdale beware! It's gonna be on!

Peace out!