What dreams may come

It could have been the mix of seafood, pasta, 2 bottles of wine and some soy ice cream that made for the interesting dream last night, but more so, it's the current search for happiness lately in my consciousness that manifested itself into a dream.

The first part was mostly irrelevant except for the appearance of my childhood friends. Dirty Ryan and Doug made a cameo appearance in a house before I needed to leave. ( As to remind me of where I came from)

I entered another building. It was dark inside and very,very busy. Imagine the busiest office space conceivable, cubicles everywhere, people rushing around frantically, all the while only lit up with computer screens and tiny Christmas lights.

With all the dimly lit rooms and cubicles...enter my mind.

The people running around stressed out & frantically trying to get work done...my thoughts and feelings.

In the middle of this mess, I found my way to a private office where a tall, skinny, middle aged man was waiting for me. He had a thinned face with a black mustache, and medium length tightly curled jet black hair-as if a mini Afro got stuck on a white guy. Dressed in a tight black shirt and slacks that thinned his look even more. He was soft spoken, with a gentle manner about him which put you at ease and relaxed you as he talked to you.

Say hello to my subconscious self.

It was the setting of a counselors or therapists office. I told him that I wasn't happy and I wanted to change a lot of things, only I don't know how to do any of it. He unfortunately couldn't help me. He said that personal happiness was not his area of specialty, but there was someone that I could go see that would be able to give me what I seek.

He drew up a map for me to find this "classroom" where your teacher can make you happy. He said that the class setting wasn't desks, but kitchen counters and living rooms. He asked a favor of me by suggesting that I don't sit in the back of the class and find a kitchen close to the front.

There will be a green light above the door to the classroom.

The map was utterly useless in this crowded building of my mind. It was to have me walking all around, double backing and getting lost. I ditched the map and decided to let my gut lead the way. I knew the general direction and tried to work my way there.

After stumbling around in my mind for a while, I looked up and saw a green light above a door.

I opened the door and saw kitchen counters in front and living room recliners in the back. I heard the teacher's voice talking to his class.

As I entered the room, his voice faded and I woke up.

Once again, finding myself eluded me.

I fell back asleep and dreamed about driving around in a new black mustang convertible, driving in circles around a strip mall blasting music, trying to impress friends, ex girlfriends and my regular bar customers.

A Dennis Leary day of air combat, lawn furniture, hot dogs and vino.

The next installment of Thursday Solo day entailed a mix of shit that was unplanned. I was in a shitty mood last night. Real shitty. Like, I really was ready to drop my bottle opener, declare open bar and get the fuck out. I stuck through it though. The downside of working nights is that you can't exactly wake up early and head out for a day's events. What I wanted to do was head down to Kartchner Caverns in southeast Arizona and do some cave exploring. it's a 3 hour drive there, another 3 hours of cave exploring and another 3 hour drive back. After working all night and getting no sleep, there would be no way to enjoy it outside of crack cocaine. I nixed the idea and decided to see what was available for one day road trips when I got home. I researched a ton of cool stuff, from ghost towns, to natural preserves, monuments, sites...unfortunately I can't visit them until October, when it finally dips below 100. The rest of the stuff is more than a 4 hour drive and not time efficient. Great....Well, I said hell with it and went to bed. Got up around 12, showered, dominated in the crapper, and head out. My destination was the Commemorative Air Force Museum at Falcon field in Mesa. A bunch of old warbirds and displays from times past. I got there at 2:30. The place closed at 3. I quickly dropped my $7 and hurried my way through the displays. A WWII Mitchell bomber, F4 Phantom fighter from Vietnam, and a P-47 thunderbolt from WWII..among others...

































This P-47 was 1/5 the size of the Phantom behind it....tiny...yet effective.
At closing time I met a docent/guard that was starting to close down the museum. I didn't get his name. He was about my late uncle Gus' age, in his 70's, with cloud white billowy hair and a cleft lip. He made me jealous by telling me that the WWII B-17 bomber that was stationed there called the Sentimental Journey, which I have seen, was on tour in the Midwest. He had just gotten back from flying on tour with them and had flown in the bombardiers seat in front as they flew over Yellowstone park.
I left quick and headed off to Tempe. I had gotten a call from my bro Chris that his brother was in his last throngs of packing for a last minute move to the east coast and needed to get rid of some things. I took home a few deck chairs, a portable fireplace, a bike and some random what nots. I also helped him move his brother's TV center to his apartment. On the way back, he and I hit up Ted's hot dogs for a foot long, hand battered O rings and a root beer. Quite tasty, and definitely defibrillator worthy.

















After offering my help outside of what was asked of me, I bid them Godspeed and headed home.
As for now, I went to Trader Joe's, got some groceries and vino, then headed home to make up some steamed mussels and pasta. the mussels were steamed in a bath of lemon, olive oil, garlic and wine. The pasta was soaked in a mix of red marinara and white Alfredo sauce. for desert, oven baked Acorn squash embedded with brown sugar, cinnamon, allspice and butter.

Combine that with a bottle or two of Sebeka Cabernet pintonage and believe me, right now, I am in happyland.

Unfortunately that solo happyland is intertwined with a mix of self solace and soul searching that as of yet, isn't as productive....

Well that leaves me to say that, as I've been typing and adventuring, I've been getting slowly stewed on vino...playing repeats of Cracker's "low"

"Be with you girl, is like being low, like being stoned...don't you wanna go down...like some disgraced cosmonaut?" and Dennis Leary's " Asshole"

"You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado convertible. HOT PINK! With whaleskin hubcaps and all leather cow interior and big round baby seal eyes for headlights, YEAH! And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115 mph, gettin 1 mile per gallon, suckin down quarter pounder cheeseburgers from McDonalds in the old fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers, and when I'm done suckin down those greaseball burgers I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag, and then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam containers RIGHT out the side and there aint a GODDAMN thing anyone can do about it. You know why? Cuz we got the bombs okay!!! Two words, okay..Nuclear fucking weapons!...

John Wayne's not dead, he's frozen! And as soon as we find a cure for cancer, we're gonna thaw out the Duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why? Ever take a cold shower? Well multiply that by fifteen million times, that's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be. I'm gonna get the Duke, John Casavetties, Lee Marvin, and Sam Peckinforth, a case a whiskey and drive down to Texas. Cuz I'm an asshole...eo...eo..eoleo..."

Eat it!!!! Cuz I'm solo, an asshole and happy about it right now......and proud of it.

The pursuit of happiness

I know currently that there are two things that are for certain going on in my life right now. One is that I've been on a queasy roller coaster ride of ups and downs of highs and funks for close to the past year now regarding anything and everything, from my family life, my personal life, my job, my mental stability, physical fitness and habits and my financial life. Added all together, they affect my mood on a daily basis. Usually one at a time on separate days, and sometimes tag teaming on the same day. The end result is most days I start out after a bad nights sleep to a lethargic days beginning of listed tasks or chores that I have no motivation of doing, or I start out in a positive direction, head to work or to accomplish something and end the day in a worse mood.

Secondly, everyone I know has given me the same advice, in literally the same sentence- Do what makes you happy, or make yourself happy first. I took it as just friendly advice from my peers and friends around me, but it finally hit home a bit deeper when I heard it from a source I wasn't expecting. To hear those words out of my fathers mouth caught me off guard first, and then sunk in farther than even the most personal conversations that I'd ever had with my closest friends.

Make yourself happy.

Seems simple enough doesn't enough? If it was only that easy.

I've set onto myself a goal. To make myself a happy person, no matter what the cost. If it costs me money, so be it. If people get in the way, sorry. If I isolate others, sorry. Why?

Because I can't make others happy if I'm not happy with myself first. Otherwise it's just an empty shell that tries to appease others while at the same time hollowing myself out further.

A truly happy person doesn't have to try to please others, it's effortless and others will wish to be a part of that person's life for the sake of just being there with them. Because of that, I've been selling myself short.

Most of my life has been a service to others. A catering process that involves taking care of other people in order to try and make myself feel good, while ignoring my own needs and wants.

Eventually all those needs and wants build and become too overwhelming to ignore anymore. Usually by then it's too late.

Throwing BBQ's, parties, picking up bar tabs, tipping overly excessively, oversupplying camping trips, etc...while the intentions are not to "buy" my friends and family, since I know they would be there for me regardless, the need to do it surpasses my common judgement. It's possible that my subconscious has been trying to make up for the lack of attention and friends I wanted but didn't have in my earlier years by overdoing it now in a grasping attempt to meet that goal.

It's been a self destructive process from the inside, an internal undermining and corporate takeover by the ego and id to overthrow my personal being and soul.

So what do I need to do?

Find myself?

Take a personal journey?

Forget the things that relatively useless for me to care about?

Or something else?

Maybe a combination of all the above.

What I do know is that my current desire for spending time by myself or time on myself has been increasing, and when I do have that time, I have been cherishing it, and actually have been somewhat productive with it. Whether it be going to a museum, on a drive, watching educational tv, walking the dog or reading a book, it all has been feeling good. Hell, even a bottle of wine and a quick dinner by myself feels good from time to time.

It still does nothing to fill a void however, and I still have no idea of what will. An empty beach and an endless sunset may be a good start on a soul search. If I'm good at it, and it turns out well, I may even have a new hit TV show on Fox...America's Next Great Soul Search...complete with...you guessed it, the soul train dancers and Ed McMahon announcing.

Here's to getting your happy on.

The week in review...sponsored by Gato Negro merlot..

Sooooo....a week ago Saturday my other bartender asked to work my shift. that meant that I had sat, sun and pretty much Monday off. I wake up Saturday, do a bunch of errands and chores, then start to enjoy a quiet Saturday evening at home watching Dirty Jobs and Survivorman on the Discovery network...both my new favorite shows...ever....
I say fuck it and have a bottle of wine while I cook up some mussels, ahi tuna and grilled veggies on the BBQ. As expected...the vino took over after an hour or so and Hasselhoff came out, solo.
Hasselhoff takes a shower, and guess what....walks over to Salty Senorita up the block. Slow night, I chat with my barkeep Brian, do some shots and drinks, get a tab for $8, tip like $30...which is why my tab is always $8.
I close out last call, and start stumbling home. I walk through the back of the neighborhood strip mall and I guess since its dark, and I'm sneaking through the back alleyway, Hasselhoff goes into covert ops Baywatch nights mode....
I hug a barrier wall through a dirt field and arrive at a walled and barred school grounds. Covert Hoff scans for surveillance cams and radios to base of his situation...(ie..i drunk text my friends telling them that my spy name is Steve Woodman from Yakima Washington if I get caught). I continue to infiltrate, but set on getting home I leave, not before diving into a few bushes to hide from a few oncoming cars.
I get home and decide on a whim that I'm going camping. I text whoever I feel and Crystal shows up at 5am. What usually takes me a week to organize and pack for a trip, I do drunkenly in an hour. All I forgot was a click lighter...so that's pretty fucking good for being wasted. We finally leave at 530 and I pass out on the truck ride up as Crystal drives. Wake up in Payson for a few supplies and I drive the rest of the way to camp. Arrive at 7am, set up, crack a beer and just sit to enjoy this typical view from our usual campsite.


























I'm tired...dog tired now. We decide to try and sleep. Stripped down, it's warm outside. 80 degrees, which, in a tent transforms to 120. I was slow roasting and basting myself with the alcohol soaked juices flowing freely from my sweaty ass. After a few hours of playing hide and seek with clouds and the rare breeze, I was about to pass out when I hear a car door close...
Now, if you're camping out in the sticks, even though it is public land, would you just randomly walk through someone's camp?
No...but these people did. A middle aged...and fugly couple parked their spotless white jeep off to the side and then just strolled through the middle of our camp while we were laying in the tent, pretty much nekkid. I get up, hand on my sidearm and start to try and get dressed while I am trying to control a very pissed off and barking Jenny.
One of those situations where it was so rude and unbelievable that you were left speechless.
They left after a minute of checking out the "view" and left me awake, amped up and pissy.




















Set up the fire while Crystal dozed, ate, drank and partied most of the night with her til 1130.
Got up in the morning to cool weather, good breakfast and talk radio only to drive home at noon to 110 degrees.
Worked Mon-Weds...nothing special.

Thursday we once again had a weekly meeting of the ABTEV (Amature beer tasters of the East Valley) at my house. One of our members was on call as the meeting progressed, so no drinking for him. I made up the slack. I did cook up a ton of good food though...oil and herb infused steamed mussels and clams, steaks, veggies and corn cobs and mesquite smoked turkey legs and pork spare ribs. So delicious...these ribs just fell apart...



















Ate and drank myself sober...passed out on the couch....it was a good night.
Friday worked....slow
Saturday worked and got my ass handed to us....schools back....
Oh, finally got my lawnmower back from the repair shop. It's mowing damn good now...the only problem is that I still have a 1/4 acre lawn to mow now where the grass likes to grow a inch a day during monsoon season.....grrr! That's the week!

Dinosaurs and coffee

A sane person would think that dinosaurs and coffee would NOT be a way to relax, but I somehow found a way. Ever since I got back from California, I've been a ball of stress. Working straight through without a day off, plus all the BS drama around the house, I needed to recharge. It was time to shut the engines down and coast in neutral for a little. Thursday I could have easily beat my head against the wall some more in continuing to rescue my computer or tackle more home projects, but I said screw it, I need out.
After work Wednesday, I crashed hard and slept in until 1pm. Got up, took a shower and headed out to downtown Mesa. I had thought about heading to the PHX art museum, but it was closed Thursdays. So I opted for Mesa instead and their arts center...which, on my arrival, was also closed. Oh well. I just walked around Mesa and literally stumbled onto the Mesa southwest museum.
It's been years since I've been in a natural history museum, so I dished out the $8 and wandered around the place for almost 2 hours. It was nice because they had like 10 different areas and galleries, all of which, including myself, had like 12 people wandering at most. It was like I was in the museum after hours for a private show.

























The Mesa museum only showcases natural history and art relating to the southwest, from the creation of the deserts, local dinosaur activity, native american life, art, cowboys & modern history, even the local movie industry in Arizona.
Believe it or not, at one time, Arizona was once mostly underwater and a lush tropical paradise. What the fuck happened to piss the gods off to make it a foul stench-hole of a desert??
At least it still gives us some beautiful things to look at. There was a art gallery displaying works by the Arizona Highways magazine showing photographs from various parts in the state. I stared at this photo for like 15 minutes. It's of a small pool of water in a sandstone canyon reflecting the surrounding cliffs in northern Arizona near Utah.


























After a few hours of wandering and visiting the gift shop, I left. It felt nice to relax and feel a weight lifted off my back. I walked back to the truck and then headed over to Office Max, got a new financial program to replace the one that got erased off my computer and then made a leisurely drive to Scottsdale to the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf for a iced coffee and a bagel with cream cheese. I sat in their comfy leather chair facing the window, enjoying my bagel and coffee, reading the paper, watching the oncoming dust storm for over an hour. It was comforting and slow paced. I could have easily dozed off in the chair, despite the influx of espresso in my system.
From there I headed back homeways, and decided on a whim to stop off at Cost Plus and Borders books in Mesa. I got a wine decanter and some espresso cups and a bottle of white Portuguese vinho. I walked next door to Borders and just browsed for a while before leaving to head home.
Doug got a hold of me and felt like hanging out on the clock while he worked, so he cruised over at 930. I had a couple beers and chatted before the inevitable happened and Doug got a call. Off to work he went at 1130. I was still in the mood to unwind, so I got dressed and headed up to Scottsdale again and had a few drinks at work. Buddy and Joe were there having a couple drinks, and we left to hit up Mickey's and DJ's.
A few more rounds later, I sauntered back to work, bought some sandwiches for the crew from across the street, ate mine and then split for home.
It was a well deserved day, of which, I need to do more of. Everyone I know has been telling me lately (including my Dad, ironically) that I need to start making myself happy and doing things for me. After Thursday, I see what they mean a little bit clearer. Thursday was a happy solo day, wherein the only person affecting my decisions was myself. I've been living for a long time now always being concerned about what others would like that I've ridiculously been ignoring my own needs and wants, and because of that, I've unknowingly been dumping on more stress and depression onto myself. I need to take stock in my own well being more, otherwise, the cost at the end would be too much of a loss to live with myself.
Peace out from my own private sanctuary.

Dude..ease up off me.

Grrr....this past week, everything that can go wrong did.
I had a crew from Southwest gas come out and examine the house due to an oddly high gas bill in the middle of summer. Turns out that a underground pipe that ran under my lawn eroded away and was flooding my yard with gas. At some spots in the dirt, the gas was over 50% saturated. So they dug up my yard and detoxed it all day 8 days ago.
I brought in my lawnmower to get repaired after attempting to rebuild the sputtering engine. It didn't work, so I bring it in and they tell me 2 weeks to get it repaired. Turns out that it's lawnmower season. Obviously, seeing that in the monsoon season, my grass grows an inch in like 3 days. I needed to rent a mower before the two week time frame. Day after day they were rented out, and finally, after 3 days, I found one. $12 later, the lawn was mowed.
Just in time for me to see that either due to southwest gas' digging process or the pressure change from removing the natural gas that saturated the ground, that a water pipe was now leaking. I'll have to take care of that later.
So, after I mowed the lawn on Thursday, I had extra time to bring my truck back into the shop because after the $700 of work that was done to it before my California trip, the new belt that they installed was constantly squealing.
They said that it was the tension pulley. Once again, my neighbor told me it would probably be that. I hate it when he's right. So, after 2 hours and another $160, the truck is finally working perfect.
So, Sunday rolls around. I invite some peeps over to party with after I ran a bunch of errands seeing that since I got back from Cali, it's my first day off in 7 days. I grill and smoke up a shit ton of food.
Apparently a hot day and a smoke flooded patio with the screen door open a good amount of the time makes every single fly seek shelter inside the house. I must have a hundred flies in the house. I've been killing 10 a day every day since the initial invasion.
God faced Sunday night, and that was fun.
What was not fun was Monday.
When the day starts with puking up on the carpet in the morning I knew that
I was going to be at wits end Monday night.
Ok, so, my new cell phone has a flaw. It keeps shutting itself off at random times. In the middle of a text or phone call, whenever...Supposedly it's a bad battery. So now I have a semi-reliable phone that needs fixing. Whatever, I'll just bring it in and they'll tell me to call someone...and then they will tell me to call someone, who will then tell me to go talk to the tech guy at the store which was where I'll be in the first time. Can't wait to deal with that.
The main bullshit on Monday was this-I hate my computer. Immensely...
My computer is like 3 years old, a relic in tech years. Over the years of use and porn, it got bugs, that were fixed, files went missing or corrupted and it got to the point where applications, windows explorer or the Internet browser would shut down for no reason. So, after attempts at various fix-up software programs and tinkering, I decided to use the computer's restore system.
Strike 1-the computer is 3+ years old and the restore system brings everything back to the factory settings while leaving your current files and other things you have done to it (supposedly)
Strike 2-I did not make a backup of important items and files.
Strike 3-The system restore lied.
So, after "restoring" it, I wiped out all my addresses,forms,passwords,email files, Internet settings, antivirus software, financial files...everything. All gone.
So guess what I did yesterday? Reloaded all my erased programs that I could, redid up my email accounts (still missing addresses), reloaded all my Internet settings and am in the process of regathering all the important things I did to my system for 3 years.
On the plus side, no programs are randomly shutting down anymore....
I still don't have an anti-virus/Internet security firewall program anymore and well, my financial records are thrown back to the stone age (you know, writing checks and balancing your accounts via carbon copy paper...)
Can't wait to see what other bad luck I get this week.

Welcome to the Hotel California, you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.

I really didn't want to wake up today. I was home, the bed was comfortable, the weather outside was perfect for sleeping in, or well, anything for that matter, and my family was here. I wished that I could just have Mom write a note to my boss telling him that I was sick and couldn't go to work, anymore...especially in Arizona.
I forced myself to get up and immediately went to finish packing up the truck. Everyone else started to get up, and after two hours of purposely delaying myself, the truck was packed, including raiding my Dad's garden for grapes, apples, tomatoes and apricots. I could relax a little now and just enjoy being in my home.



















I once thought that leaving home would get easier each time you did it, instead I found out that it's the complete opposite. This time felt really hard. Yet I needed to do what I had to do. Doug would get a ride to the airport from mom and dad as we were driving out in the truck. I reluctantly said my extended goodbyes to my parents, got in the truck and again, forcefully delayed myself in the driveway until I found a good song to leave on. Ironically it was Purple Rain.
To alleviate my current depression, Crystal mentioned we should get Prima Deli for the road trip after we gas up. Sounded good to me. Sandwiches icing in the cooler, we left my neighborhood, the the city, then the county and finally the Bay Area once again. It was a nasty 13 hour drive home that started at noon and ended at 1am in Phoenix. Plagued by hot, swamp-ass heat, 5 mph and 2 hr delayed traffic in Los Angeles, cramping muscles and weary eyes, I took it all as my penance for once again leaving home.
I was "home" in the sense of the word, and that was all. In the meantime, my mattress gave me some comfort.

The final day

I'm pretty sure that we all woke up with some form of discomfort this Thursday. Crystal and Doug being a little hungover, and my stomach still a bit distended. Easy fixes, water and coffee for the crew and a trip to the crapper for me. It was a definite sleep in day, so I think we got motivated around 11 after I started to pack up some things for the next day's long trip.
The past few days had been pleasantly overcast or foggy, but as this was the last day here, of course, the weather broke. Clear skies, 80 degrees with a slight breeze. Even the coast was clear of clouds and fog when we drove out there.
Yet, it was still bittersweet due to Jenny. Jenny had been to the beach once before, 4-5 years ago when she was a young pup. She had reacted good to the beach then, but I was unaware at how she would react this time. This time, more beaches were banning dogs.
We ended up only being able to head back to Bean Hollow, which did allow dogs, but only on a leash.
Last time, it was a heartwarming sight to see a young Jenny unbound on the sand and rocks, in the shore break chasing me and exploring her world. This time she was restrained at a crowded beach. She was afraid of the water and the waves, even as Crystal and I were knee deep in wading for shells. Instead she barked angrily at me when I left her in Doug's hands as I shell hunted, only 15 feet away from her.




















We left the beach after a few hours and headed back to Half Moon Bay to explore their small downtown. Jenny slept in the car as we wandered around the various shops for an hour or so.
I bought a nice sculpture at a shop tucked away off the street. It needed some super glue on a part to attach it permanently to it's base, so the shopkeeper knocked off ten bucks for me.
Honestly, the lady that owned the shop was one of those very few people that within the first few words, you know that they are genuinely good people. We easily could have all sat there and chatted with her for hours. I can't imagine the stories that she may have had to tell from her 60+ years of life.
We had to leave though, we had family commitments to attend to. We said goodbye to the coast and headed back to home. On the way back, I wanted to stop by my old neighborhood market, the B & W and see if they still carried a yummy ice cream treat called an It's It sandwich.
I hadn't been in that market since early high school, and I had hoped that it didn't change much.
To my disappointment, it did. Now owned by a turban wearing middle eastern man playing his native music, the insides were gutted, flipped around, confining and utterly unrecognizable. It was transformed from the small town market it once was to a stripped down and junky version of a 7-11. Yet, I was able to find a handful of my ice cream treats. We snapped some up and quickly left, hoping that I'll never have to return there again, instead leaving me with my memories of penny and nickel candy, baseball cards, ice cream and warm summer days as a kid.
We got back home, relaxed,showered and headed down to my Godparent's home for a last family dinner before we left town. They made a special dinner for the whole family. Roasted quail, salads, these indescribable tasty spicy red potatoes and tuna steaks that they caught themselves. That was good seafood right there. I went back easily for seconds.
The wine was flowing really smooth and we all had a long night chatting with each other, remembering times past, stupid things we did, good times we shared and stories we had to tell.
It was a family, no arguments what so ever about it.



















Later, after most of the family left, the remaining ones of us went into my Godfather's game room and went to town on his Foosball table. I got owned. Respect your elders and everything....
We talked seriously about my parents for a while after, which added to my current thoughts on the situation. I'll address that in another topic.
We said our goodbyes and got home at a early hour. The rest of the night was spent chatting in my parent's living room, before I excused myself to head to bed early in readiness for a long drive the following day.
I fell asleep with a smile on my face, not because of the quantities of wine I imbibed in, but from the comforting sense of welcome and acceptance that only family can give to you.