"Destiny" by zero 7

I lie awake I've gone to ground
I'm watching porn In my hotel dressing gown
Now I dream of you
But I still believe
There's only enough for one
in this Lonely hotel suite

The journey's long
And it feels so bad
I'm thinking back to the last day we had.
Old moon fades into the new
Soon I know I'll be back with you
I'm nearly with you
I'm nearly with you

When I'm weak I draw strength from you
And when you're lost I know how to change your mood
And when I'm down you breathe life over me
Even though we're miles apart
we are each other's destiny

On a clear day
I'll fly home to you
I'm bending time getting back to you
Old moon fades into the new
Soon I know I'll be back with you
I'm nearly with you
I'm nearly with you

When I'm weak I draw strength from you
And when you're lost I know how to change your mood
And when I'm down you breathe life over me
Even though we're miles apart
we are each other's destiny

When I'm weak I draw strength from you
And when you're lost I know how to change your mood
And when I'm down you breathe life over me
Even though we're miles apart
we are each other's destiny

I'll fly, I'll fly home I'll fly home and I'll fly home

2009 year in review

2009 was the Chinese year of the Ox. A year of work and stubbornness. Stubborn enough that the damn year didn't want to end despite everyone's wishes that it would. I honestly have yet to meet one person that did not want this year to end for whatever reasons.

If I had to classify 2009 in short, it simply sucked. Could it have been worse? Oh yes, by all means it could have, but it still sucked.

Finances- 7.5 up 1 from last year.

I don't really know why i am raising this one, but my stocks are up, so that helps. Have I saved more money this year? NO. Have I made more money this year? No. I say that they are up because things have gotten even more stable. I've even started seeing some returns on some investments for once. Not very large ones, but returns none the less. Its more so upwards because I don't seem to have a overhanging looming feeling of thinks tanking anymore, but I am still overly cautious with things. I have also made some large purchases for the first time in my life, besides good fitness equipment, a new vehicle. The loan will help establish my credit, which is good.

Work- 4 down 1 from last year.

I need a better job. There, I said it. As my friend puts it, "the margin just isn't there anymore". the money is the same, I still love my employers and most of my co-workers, but there is no change outside of that. I'm tired of having one week's schedule blending into the exact copy of the next, not having weekends off as do other people, and just not being in a good mood once I arrive to work. that's the biggest one. I'm just not happy being at work anymore. If I can't be happy, then I cant work effectively.Granted, most of that bad mood comes from working with idiots (if you haven't figured out, a pet peeve is I hate stupid people). I know, I'd get that at any job, but at least at somewhere else those people can be gotten rid of easier.

Social Life- 6 up 1.5

I still can't tell you when the last time i went out to downtown Scottsdale was, mostly because I'm not going to take a DUI on the chin. i could care less though. I have places in walking distance. My girlfriend and I have been making new friends, going to new places and have been having a good time with whoever is around. In addition, I have some new connections from work and thru the net, as well as being able to keep in touch with some family members a bit easier too. I can always get more acquaintances, so I'm not worried, but I'm content now.

Love Life- 8.5 up 1.5

I am seeing someone new. Things are good. Outside of that, its once again not really anyone's business.

Spirituality- 4 no change

I have had no changes on my stances with spirituality or church. I went to midnight mass at Christmas again with my parents and it felt good to be there. Not that I felt the presence of God in my life, but it was a positive and gentle social atmosphere where there was no kinds of hatred floating around. It is a well needed and welcome feeling while living in a world of go go go and FU.

Family-6.5 down 2

people are getting older. Some get further away. Some disappear and some pass away. This year is a bit down because our grandma passed away. She was the last of her generation and the final grandparent for our family. In the process at the funeral, we also "lost" one of her sons, my bastard uncle. we haven't heard from him since. There was a saying in the family before grandma died that when she does, he will be buried with her. So far, it has come true. he made a fiasco of the funeral and refused to attend the wake with the rest of his family. Even had the audacity to drum up some crocodile tears and then deny the family final words at the ceremony.

His children will have him pay for his mistakes, but that is far in the future.

Outside of that, my parents are getting older, are having trouble getting around and have a few lingering conditions harping them on a daily basis. No new marriages, no divorces, no new children. My parents and I were supposed to go to Hawaii, but i had to cancel the trip in March because of illness.

Health-4 down 1

This year has been a ravaging hell on my body. I did get a lot of grill work done this year. root canals, crowns, fillings. It was a lot of time and money (a reason why my finances are off), but worth it as first, I found a great dentist that I'm actually eager to go to finally and second, since junior high school-I have a good report card on my mouth from the doc. Now the rest of my body...ugh....first the tenosynovitis in my left arm, immediately followed by a crippling and scarring 3rd degree burn on my left leg left that side of my body worse for wear. Not only did all that affect my health score, but my work score, my financial score and a little of my spirituality as well. I'm still overweight, but I have dropped a couple pounds in the past weeks due to good eating. i had a nervous breakdown this year.I went to the doc to get screened for depression, but she said that my lack of motivation and malaise at times was due to boredom and possible testosterone imbalance. After the bloodwork was done, my testosterone was fine and she wanted me to get on happy pills. I ignored her requests and effectively told her off. I'll find some other way to get around this. As for now, I'm happy enough (as long as I'm not at work). :)

Total-5.71 down .04

Basically not much change. Some things went up, some went down. Either way, I expect this coming year to be a vast improvement over 2009. Hell, it already is. I had an awesome Christmas, the Cardinals are in the playoffs again, I've lost a couple of pounds and I am having fun again. I'm slated to travel to Denver next week for a weekend trip and later on in the year I have some other trips to go on to new places as well.

As well as potentially good things happening, as with things happening in 2009, I'm pessimistic enough to know that bad things do happen, and to not be surprised this year when they do. As with last year, if bad things do happen, I rolled with the punches and survived. it still sucked, but I didn't go anywhere, and I will continue to do so.

Assessing the means of motivation

"The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones."

- William Faulkner

If there's anything that my closest of friends would tell me is that at times, I do over think things. Its said that sometimes things come easier if you don't ponder down something to the point of it being beat down to a meaty pulp embedded in the pavement. But like the wolf said to the sheep, sorry, it's just in my nature.

I've been trying to wrestle internally with my own self for the past few years now, and sometimes it gets the better of me and sometimes I best my own thoughts. However, what always seems to come up in any argument or thought process with myself or with having conversations with others is that I have a inherit lack of motivation to do, well, anything. Beforehand, i was questioning "how" to get motivated to do things. then I figured out that it may be more beneficial to ditch that tactic and instead, try to wrap my head around "why" I can't seem to get motivated. If that can get figured out, then there may be a serendipitous route around the dilemma. Where to start with that process, i honestly don't know.

Is it due to my past? Is it due to how I was raised? I know that I am a type B personality, that is unquestionable. Then again, I do know some people with similar traits of mine that are a lot more driven to accomplish things in life.

So what is the prevention cause? I currently know people who are gung-ho about attacking the corporate daily workload, who have on a whim decided to attempt to ride a bike from San Diego to Phoenix, who are currently in the process of trying to relocate their job and life to Hawaii, who can wake up daily and workout along with a full workday, who tirelessly gets to work and deals with special needs kids.

Its compelling...the ability that they have to do what they do. It also makes me a tinge jealous. I've heard all the opposing sides arguments, "You just go and do it" , " Do what makes you happy", "You need to just put your mind to it." those words, in their initial simple wisdom, seem like the simplest of tasks to accomplish.

Why does it have to be that hard? i know in my mind that it really isn't that hard. But I also know that my mind is somehow blocking myself from excelling in that realm. Complacency is a evil habit, which i have seemed to have a acute addiction to. It feels nice to do nothing at times, and I do know that sometimes, that is a very good thing, as it gives the mind a chance to rest. Unfortunately resting too long lets things get soft.

I have ideas running around, whether it is something personal, artistic, family related, job related, home related...all of which i know that I would derive great pleasure in from doing, but the initial spark, the kick in the ass to get moving just isn't happening. Its as if i went camping, set up camp, had all the tools I needed for a successful trip, then went to go to light the campfire only to find out that i only brought up one book of matches, and they're all soaking wet.

I know that at times its frustrating on my friends, family and past relationships at times too. To see someone with so much potential and have it squandered away because I just can't get to it. it strains relationships, family or otherwise, because I'll sit there, occasionally feel bad for myself, constantly bitch about the problem and have people around me bear the constant burden of said behaviors. I know the frustration can build and wear on others, and it isn't fair. I also know that those same people will be there for me with any discussion I decide to have.

I had a dream the other night. My dream was that i was at my old high school track. when you run a mile there, its the standard 4 laps to a mile. I, in my dream, decided to run that mile. before I could start though, there was a team of people practicing something in the middle of the field. they were riding horses and ostrich and playing some weird form of polo/soccer. They all charged at me all of a sudden and i was nearly trampled by said horses and ostrich. After, I started running laps for my mile. The first lap was easy, the second one was exhausting, the third lap it felt like I had lead in my shoes and could hardly lift my feet, and in the final lap, the track started to turn to mud and eventually i was knee deep in quicksand. I don't remember finishing the mile in my dream.

I've Been a Little..."Busy"

I honestly wish I could say that I've been productively busy in the past 2 months getting things done around the house and so forth, but in reality, the past few months have been a whole big world of unwarranted disappointments. I've been relatively laid up with injuries, illness, mental breakdowns and general lethargy since about August. thankfully I had a pleasant break in September with a well needed and cherished reunion back home with my best friends and brethren Ryan and Doug. The trip left us with a returned taste for the old carefree days of our youth where we only really had to worry about finishing our homework and waking up in time to commit fun events of bonding and mayhem.

Right about then, i was pretty much finished with my hand therapy. about a week after returning from our trip, I apparently decided that one chronic body injury wasn't well enough, and decided to make my way clockwise around my limbs for pain and punishment. On a Weds., 09/09/09, I had a horrible work accident that involved a 4 gallon pot of 375 degree fryer oil that left me incapacitated,crippled, and now permanently scarred. It took a week to be able to stand and hobble, another week to to basic tasks, and another two weeks to yesterday; to be able to wear shoes and socks again and do normal everyday tasks. I celebrated yesterday with a new found freedom by doing overdue 2 month yardwork, put aside home chores, shopping, cleaning and errands which took me all day due to the mass of tasks previously made unable. I still have more to do, especially since i found out yesterday when my parents will arrive to make their yearly visit to the desert next week. Yes, I know, don't overdue it. trust me,I'm not, I'm just finally happy that I'm fully functional. Granted, I haven't tried running or anything really strenuous yet, but that will come in time and need.

Its been a godsend to be able to get back into work and make money to pay bills, seeing that as of a week and a half ago, by checking account was sitting at a desolate $28 from not being able to work. Things are getting healthy again, as well as I, and there will not be any worry of being able to pay things off from here on out.

I just feel so pleased to be productive again. Before all this had happened, I had made a not-so-unreasonable to do list for things around the house and things personal, and it was frustrating as all hell to just sit on the couch or in bed staring at things I needed to do but couldn't. Now, especially with the long anticipated break in the weather, the cooler 80 degree days give added vigor in deeds. Not to mention the return of Sunday football.

I'm forever in debt to friends and co-workers and family that helped me out in all this down and out bullcrap. They've secured deeper places in my heart for it. I hope that I wouldn't have to call on you again for anything this serious or worse again, but I know that you all will be there, as I will on you.

I have a lot more to discuss, but those are to come yet soon.

40 Things i have to do before I leave this place.

3. 
   

1. Find that person and spend the rest of my time and travels with her.


2. Father a child


3. Be closer to my family


4. Ride my surfboard


5. Make my own wine


6. Remodel a home


7. Do a triathlon


8. Climb a mountain


9. Travel this country


10. Travel the world


11. Write a book


12. Attend an Olympics


13. See the Cardinals live in a superbowl win


14. Go on a cruise


15. Visit Yellowstone


16. Visit Yosemite


17. Visit the Alaskan wilderness


18. Donate blood


19. Ride 100 miles on a bike in one day


20. Hike the Grand Canyon


21. Have a recipe noticed and published


22. Run a successful business


23. Own beachfront property


24. Deep sea fish again


25. Paint a family portrait


26. Own and fix a classic car


27. Find some sort of treasure


28. Read all the classic literature books


29. Throw out a first pitch at any baseball game
30. Properly see where my father is from
31. Visit back where my mother is from
32. Hike the John Muir Trail (or a good part of it)
33. Drive the entire west coast Highway 1
34. ?
35. ?
36. ?
37. ?
38. ?
39. ?
40. ?

A book of questions #1

Last week while at a bookstore, I picked up a small paperback book called The Book of Questions by Gregory Stock PHD. its not a trivia book, nor does it have answers to any of the questions in it. Obviously, you provide the answers yourself, and each answer is uniquely your own.

Today's question is...

Do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits? would you be willing to spend the night alone in a remote house that is reported to be haunted?

Yes, and No are my answers.

i do believe in spirits, one obviously the soul of a person, whether it be good or bad. And two, i believe that enough bad mojo can manifest itself in an area that it becomes a bad place. There are far too many bad people in the world, present and dead, that have made this place a non paradise at times. Thankfully, for the most part, I think that people are inherently good at heart and outnumber the bad. Still though, evil spirits do manifest themselves at times and create very, very bad people or events. Hitler's Holocaust, Stalin and Saddam's mass murders, corrupt kings and queens, presidents, tyrants, generals, leaders and common men all have done horrendous and inconceivable evil acts against humanity without any rational explanation besides the fact that they are just plain evil.

As most of my friends and family know, for a while there, we believed that I had a spirit living in my current house that, while it wasn't doing anything necessarily bad, it just hung around and was a nuisance..kind of like a annoying 4Th grade bully that kept untying your shoes or stealing your juice box. it took a team of me blessing the house with holy water, and for Chris to come in and spiritually "regulate" on said spiritual bully. He hasn't bothered anyone nor really been seen since.

As for staying in a place that is reported to be a haunted place with evil spirits, um, no thanks. Not because I wouldn't be scared, of course I would, its that I'd be more afraid of those spirits potentially doing harm, either mentally or even physically to myself. Maybe if i was a priest or something or had a cleaner karma i could withstand such a potential spirited onslaught, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't last currently.

This past week

I'm sorry, but I haven't been able to get around to updating recent events lately. This past week has seen a variety of doctors visits and life alterations.

Firstly, I went and got my temporary crown put on last week, and the permanent mold got sent to the lab to be formed, so in two weeks i will have my final crown installed along with a couple of fillings done, then I am happy to say that (outside of regular cleanings) i am done with my dentist. I can elect to get my bridge done at a time of my convenience in the future.

As for the results from my new doctor, I'm taking a personal over ride on that one. The blood test results came back showing everything was fine and normal with the exception of my cholesterol and triglycerides, upon which, she wanted me to get on a cholesterol med prescription. Here's my deal...I'm 32, and even though I'm a little overweight, there should be no reason that I have high cholesterol...in fact, I've never had high cholesterol. I don't think I had a long enough fasting period before the blood was drawn, which is recommended that you have between 10-24 hrs of not eating before blood was drawn. i had eaten a large meal 8 hours prior to the visit.

Also, in choosing to self medicate, all I need to do is restructure my diet and exercise more, and drink less also ( which directly affects my triglycerides). So, I'm happy to say that i haven't had any fried foods in 2 weeks, been loading up on a lot of veggies & low carb foods & toned down my drinking habits too. I also have been getting some form of exercise daily, whether it be on my elliptical, playing Carolyn's Wii games, housework or riding on my new fitness bike I bought a few days ago in my living room.

I'm happy to say that I've already lost a few noticeable pounds, and i hope to continue losing for the next 6 weeks when they want another blood test to check everything again.

I really don't want to start taking pills ( if my test results really were true) because 99% of the time, those pills have side effects that require other pills, and more pills after...etc...etc...drug companies are con artists anyways....just ask my parents.

MY tendinitis in my left arm is getting much better, so hopefully by my Aug. 11th exam it will be all but gone. then its just a matter of keeping that arm strong and flexible....or get another damn job.

Oh, the joys of pet ownership by the way...I love my box of rocks, but he's sick this week with constant vomiting and mud butt. Both of the explosive kind. i haven't been able to feed him in a day because he can't keep food down. He woke me up 3 times this morning before work with dry heaves. If this continues into tomorrow, I'm going to have to drop a lot of cash on a vet visit. thank God I have a steam cleaner.
It's been really, really hot this week, almost 120 on Sunday. My garden is nice and trimmed up and maintained, but the other day i found out I had a irrigation pipe break next to my garage...conveniently underneath the concrete slab. So, before getting my crown done, i had to sledgehammer concrete in 114 degree heat to fix the pipe (that was sooo much fun!) Well, the pipe is fixed and I poured new concrete on top to patch it all up.

Outside of that, work is hot,slow in the daytime and full of annoying drunks at night. I'm so happy that I'm a responsible and courteous drunk when I do become one, everyone else are jackasses.

On a positive spin, i got to hang out with Doug on Sunday, which was pretty damn fun. He says too, that Ryan is still planning on coming out to the states in September and that he's tried to write me, but I haven't received anything from him. I don't think that it went to my spam folder, so i don't know, i will write him instead.

Thursday

Yesterday was a strange day, by my standards at least. I woke up refreshed, and set forth to do a few hours worth of yardwork in the front, tuned up the bushes & trees and mowed the lawn. It was hot, damn hot. this whole week is slated to be 110 or higher. Never the less, I was productive. I didn't get to tune up the garden though, because I had to head out to the dentist for my final installment of doctors visits this week. This visit was for an additional checkup to see how my mouth is recovering from the deep cleaning last time, and to get a quick cleaning.
I'm proud to say that for the first time since I can remember, my doctor said I was making very good progress and recovery of lost gum tissue and that things were very well taken care of. I have a appointment next Thursday to get my crown installed, and then one more appointment to get 2 fillings done, and then, I'm happy to say...i am done with the dentist outside of regular cleanings and getting my optional bridge done. yay!
After i was done with the appointment i headed up north to Carolyn's place in N. Phoenix (nice road trip). We decided to go out and see a movie and grab some dinner.
We saw Up. it was pretty entertaining, had plenty of funny moments and a few tear jerking scenes. All in all, another good pixar film that caters to all. We grabbed a bite at Pei Wei for Chinese food after. I ate the Mandarin Kung Pao chicken with rice...it was ok, but in the end a little lackluster for me.
We headed back to her place for a quick swim in the pool to relax before I had to head home to let the dogs out. I came back and watched a little TV before crashing out.
i do have to say that its been a while since I've had a day off that not only was productive and social, but also didn't have any involvement of partying. It was nice and fulfilling.